It's going to be a vulnerable week, and the day is Thursday.
Simply put, my ears have already checked out. On Thursday, I find out whether my eyes have decided to follow them.
It's a diagnostic mystery. Three years ago, I had a single, unexplained episode of visual blurring. My eyes were poked, prodded, dilated, lasered and examined ... and the process found an area of blindness that was symmetrical to both eyes in my peripheral vision.
Tentative diagnosis: weird optic nerve. As was explained to my aching head at the time, the phenomenon could be explained by the idea that my optic nerves (dual) entered my eyes at an angle.
That angle cast a shadow.
That shadow explained the blind spot.
Quod erat demonstrandum.
Except for one tiny little difficulty: last year's comprehensive exam showed that the blind spot had grown. Growth is NOT compatible with this diagnosis
On Thursday, I get put through the visual wringer once again. My eyes will be dilated, and I will be put through very long, very difficult visual tests. If the "blind spot" has grown, I have a problem.
I want a very valid test. I will rise early. I will eat protein. I will do whatever I can to be awake, alert, rested and ready to show the machines what my eyes can--and cannot--see.
I am very afraid.
I have already lost one sense. I have spent a great deal of time being proactive, learning to adapt, wearing my hearing aids, doing my best to compensate.
I can't compensate for being deaf and blind. There is just no way.
I lose my eyes, and I lose the world. Last year, I got bad news. This year, I may get a life sentence.
I get that? I check out. Sorry, but being an elderly Helen Keller has no appeal. No ears, I've dealt with. No eyes? No me.
So the test is a big lump to swallow. Thursday. Eye day.
Yikes.
Comments
:(
You will certainly *not* "check out." We won't allow it.
If you lose both senses, you will meet the challenge with every scrap of the indomitable will that you've met other obstacles. That is what you do. It is part of what you are.
And somewhere in the space between adaptation and acceptance, you may come to realize that fetishization of the intellect and senses harms our souls. Yes, these are hard things to bear. Sensuality is a paganism which yokes us to suffering. But the succor we need rides across any path and no path. It has nothing, and everything, to do with our power and health in this world. In the silence and dark you fear are the very proofs of that, if the obscure is boldly embraced.
You know Christ and the Love of the Spirit. You ought to know these things, too.
I know it's a struggle, but please do what you need to tend to your souls' more, wherever that leads you.
If you and we all need to spend some months learning braille and finger-spelling by touch together, that is what it will take. No matter what, you will not be abandoned. Period.
您之愛女，曙霏。
(((hugs))))
I am so sorry you are going through this. I'm sending all of my positive vibes and prayers your way.
Is there something we can do to help distract you over the next few long days?
Well, the current antics on
Well, the current antics on the Oh!C boards are a good start.
I'm having fun.
CEO, exercising her writerly imagination as to what is going on back there
Yes, the new Christmas board
Yes, the new Christmas boards are interesting but typical. I suspect someone is loving the attention of being the *secret* Santa lady.
Since I go every 6 months to the retinal specialist to make sure my nevus has not become a melanoma, I can relate to the anxiety.
I hope all is well. My retinal guy assures me there are all sorts of things to do for all sorts of serious eye conditions. I am choosing to believe he could fix me if it came to that.
I am staying positive for you, too!